Just Venting

This will hopefully be a short blog about some of the things on my mind from the past few weeks or days.  Mainly from video links people sent to me and or I saw on a social site.  So I hope you enjoy, feel free to comment.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_o5X8UmQ2M]

I really like this video excerpt from Roland Martin.  What it speaks on is so true yet when you talk to women they always down play it like it's not.  However, I have had this kind of experience so I agree with the video.  Now I never had the opportunity to work at McDonald's however I did work at Target for a few years in college and even after graduating college upon returning home to GA.  Now the experience while in school wasn't that bad because I was in the back room the majority of the time, so I rarely ran across women that were "guests" at the store.  However, as I moved back home and was in the process of searching for a job I worked at Target for about a year.  Now the Target store I worked at just so happened to be in the Emory School District, therefore a lot of students that attended Emory shopped there.  Now granted there are beautiful women on every college campus, but maybe in my own opinion the majority of the beautiful women of Emory shopped at Target.  This store was also located fairly close to the Lenox Mall area where of course a lot of young professionals parle on a weekly basis.  So I saw my fare share of beautiful women.  But, being dressed in the Red shirt and Khaki bottoms wasn't impressive at all I don't think.  I would get looks like negro you work at Target be gone.  It hurt I must admit to be seen only for what I was currently doing and not for what I had the potential to become, but it is what it is.  Worst case though at this particular store happened from a fellow employee.  You see she came in one day to interview for a new executive position.  She was in her last year of school as  Business Major and saw this as a fine opportunity to get her feet in the door.  So she asked me prior to her interview what are some key things she should say and things to avoid.  So I gave her a pointer or two and wished her luck.  Well she got the job and began training soon afterwards.  Well that was all she needed me for, because as I later go to congratulate her on her position and hire, she gave me the be gone you peasant, can't you see that I am your superior, look.  Understanding that she was an executive and I a team member must have meant to her I was under qualified to be with her.  Well like the Dr. in the Video said as well as the actor, there is a difference between what you want verses what you need.  So just something to think about the next time you see that friendly smile greeting you.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNclNdZuQrw]

Tyrese my brotha my Capricorn brotha you really set yourself up with this one.  However, I am going to give my point of view on what I think he was trying to say.  Wendy Williams I believe through him off and he lost his train of thought.  Are men expected to cheat?  My answer would be yes so I agree with Tyrese on this one.  Is it right that men cheat NO!!!  Do all men cheat NO!  But why is this an expectation, because so many men have made it the expectation.  How many times have you heard a woman meet a man she feels he's all that, yet she throws in the disclaimer I don't trust him or the situation.  She begins to look for signs that shows he is just like every other man she's met, so she guards her heart so that she doesn't get hurt.  On the other hand the man is trying to figure out why is she even trying to date or get involved when this right here is really messing her up inside.  Why can't a man just be exactly what she said he is "to good to be true."  Well I'm sorry my brotha some other brotha has screwed that up for you, so try again.  Now I will admit that growing up some of the advice my mom and aunties gave me didn't really make sense.  Hearing from women that as a teenager you shouldn't just put all your eggs in one basket is quite contradictory to what you hear as an adult.  However, women know women and perhaps they know at that age most young men will get their heart broken, which only creates problems down the line.  You see unlike women, most men for a long time never give their heart a chance to love again so hence you have the players and womanizers.  Yet women are soldiers they get their heart broken, glue the pieces back together and get it broken again.  So I agree with Tyrese men are taught at a young age to do exactly what he said.  Yet we have just as much will power to commit as a woman does.  Some men will argue that we are not any different than any other male species of the animal kingdom, we were meant to be with more than one woman.  Yeah but we also aren't as ignorant as every other male species of the animal kingdom so unless you consider yourself to be a dummy, you can commit.

Last rant and rave of the day, was something I just witnessed while out eating dinner at The Golden Corral in Albany, GA.  First off the Golden Corral is the devil there is absolutely nothing healthy about eating at a buffet.  However, as I am sitting there eating I see a young black couple walk in.  The woman is pregnant the man iced out I mean earrings, big diamond watch, diamond bracelet, long chain with a diamond cross hanging from it.  This couple has to be in their late 20's early 30's.  The woman is pregnant and behind them come their other not one not two, but 6 kids.  3 girls and 3 boys, at first I thought to myself damn but I began to see the positive in things recently.  This couple had a lot of positives, not only were they all out eating as a family, I guess that's something good to do when you have 9 mouths to feed is to eat a buffet.  Two, the kids were well behaved not running all over the place and disturbing the other customers.  Finally, three and most important the man and woman were married.  He married the mother of all his children which is a blessing and there is nothing wrong with them having that many kids.  God said be fruitful and multiply and they are definitely doing there just do.  So I took this as a lesson learned in my own right, don't be so quick to judge.  Try to see the positives in the things around you and learn to appreciate them.

New Posts Coming

Probably just going to do video blogs for a minute.  I have so many ideas and thoughts going through my head at various times of the day that I actually forget what the hell it is I really wanted to talk about.  So with that being said, hopefully I can figure out how to use this camera and just post blogs that way.  That way you can really get a clearer picture of what I am thinking when I am thinking it.  Any questions you may want me to answer feel free to email me at darkcapricorn82@gmail.com

Why Women?

So yesterday I was asked why did I give up women for lent and here's a short blog as to why.  When you get to a point to which you are unappreciative of something, sometimes you have to remove it in order to learn to appreciate it again.  Some people don't learn how to appreciate life until they have a life changing experience or a close encounter to loosing their own life.  Some people can't see the natural beauty in themselves because they day in and day out create this facade to impress those around them.  Well the one thing I felt I had lost an appreciation for was women, especially those that either liked me or I liked at some point.

I remember a time where just standing next to a beautiful woman and simply having a conversation with her would send chills through my body.  I remember a time when the touch of a womans skin would raise the hair on the back of my neck.  I remember a time when holding a woman's hand, made it feel like people around us disappeared and she was the only person that mattered.  I remember a time when a kiss made me smile.  A time when seeing the curves of a womans body made me feel lucky to have been there to witness it.  I remember paying close attention to detail, the way the sun makes her skin glow, or the way her lip gloss made her lips appear to be a forbidden food I wanted to taste.  I remember feeling paralyzed from the neck down as I opened the door for her going to a formal event.  Admiring the way she would transform herself from one event to the other.  Appreciating the effort she put forth to look nice for me.

Well somewhere along the way I stopped appreciating all those things.  Felt more like an actor in a movie playing out scenes than a man actually courting a woman in real life.  Kisses had no sparks, hugs meant nothing and anything more than that felt non-deserving. Sex or making love was more about the act itself and not the woman involved. Some people say the more you do of something the less appreciation you have for it.  You start taking those things for granted, and like the saying goes, you learn to appreciate it after it's gone. Women essentially had become one of the most important thing in my life.  Spent more time talking to them and hearing their stories or issues I never focused on my own.  It was as though I didn't know what to do without them in my life.  Well I recognized this problem in me, so I did something about it.

I feel that by doing this, it is allowing me not to only get to know myself but appreciate the mere fact that someone is interested in me.  Whether it be friendship or more than friendship.  Appreciate the fact that out of all the people in the world she could have spent time with, she chose to do so with me.  Out of all the guys she could have called or went out with, it was I she chose.  Out of all the things she could have done for herself she chose to do something for me.  There was once a point in time, when I felt no women gave me the time of day.  Hence I felt very lucky when one did.  Well I should still feel that way regardless if there is a plethora of women wanting to get to know me or just that special one.

A few of my home boys may feel I am crazy for doing this, and even some women may feel I am lame.  However, if you recognize your own problems sometimes you can correct them on your own without the input from others.  Well I am glad I have sacrificed women for Lent.  Makes me see things from an entirely different perspective not only for myself but also for those around me.

Day 10

Wow this is more difficult than I thought, going days without answering phone calls or texts.  Getting voice messages stating that they fear I am not doing okay.  Having others text me say that I am acting funny and distant.  This years vow for Lent has been one of clarity.  I can definitely see things from a different perspective now, some things are very eye opening and others are very disturbing to me.

A few things I have learned is that I must I really must eliminate all ties to my past.  Any woman I once dated, hooked up with or anything of the sort I'm pretty much going to have to ignore.  It's a reason we aren't together or things didn't work out between us, and since we crossed that line we really aren't friends either.  Just creates awkward moments between us of memories of the past, but no future.  Maybe you all don't know what's it's like to talk to someone and all you can think about that person is things you have done and not things you're trying to do.  I also found out with those very same people typically I am the one that initiates a conversation with them, not the other way around.  So obviously it is me bringing them on the ride with me and not them actually wanting to be there.  So hence forth most communication I may have with some of these individuals may be strictly limited to social sites and that's about it.  I don't wish to text you anything, we probably don't talk to begin with much over the phone, and I really don't wish to plan to hang out with you.  It's time we move on from one another, on to bigger and brighter opportunities and stop holding one another back.

Social sites are not only a distraction to me, but they also get under my skin a bit.  I've attempted in the past to completely remove myself from social sites mainly because they lack a level of privacy.  It's like we all have this urgency now to let everyone in the world know what's going on with us in our day to day.  As if it is the most important thing in the world.  I swear if Verizon wasn't tripping a month ago about a phone I had ordered I would not be on Facebook at all right now.  My Droid phone is a serious distraction in itself.  It's helpful in some areas but very distracting in others.  For instance, if I need directions to a substation for work from another substation, the GPS on my phone is excellent.  But the mere fact that I have to use my email address just to use my phone, and my facebook sign in to link contacts to it SUCKS!!!  Now I must admit I have turned off all the notifications and things like it, but they are still on the phone and when I am bored tend to be one of the first things I look at.   Now twitter is one thing, but Facebook I swear is a complete monster right now, at least to me.  Facebook has me wanting to curse some of my friends on there out, be smart with them or at least tell them my honest opinion about some of their status updates.  Maybe I care to much about them, or maybe they don't care at all?  But guess when I really think about it, I'm not really their friends at all.

Ever want to do something as a teen growing up but you never managed to do it, and now at this day and time you wonder what life would have been like had you done it?  Well that's partially what I am going through right now.  Trying to figure out if pursuing something right now that I wanted back then, would actually be beneficial to my life.  Right now I'm finally finding myself, what it is I want to do in life and in this world so part of me feels doing this would be a set back.  Yet that part of me from back then is still unsatisfied and speaks out from time to time.

Is it just me or is it hard to go to social events knowing you're not going to drink yet everyone else around you will be.  I've been invited to birthday celebrations and happy hour events yet I haven't attended either mainly cause I don't want to sit in there and drink water all night and watch others get tastefully tipsy.  I don't like myself when I drink so hence that's the reason I stopped, plus one DUI could potentially get me fired so why take a risk like that.  Between the fact that when I was drinking I felt I always needed a glass or beer in my hand at all times or the drunk texts that I would send after the fact  really led me to doing something different.

Why is it so hard for me to consistently work out on a day to day basis.  I finished the complete P90X workout all the way through one time, and since then I have started 3 separate times failing each.  I know it's probably best I work out first thing in the morning, but because my days start so early that would mean 5 a.m workouts.  Which essentially means going to sleep at a decent hour, which I rarely do.  But not only is the working out hard, but the nutrition part is pretty difficult as well.  If salad tasted like hot wings I would eat healthy all the time.

I seriously need to find a hobby.  This blogging deal is cool, but I don't do it on a daily basis.  I need something during my down time that will consume a lot of that time.  My co-workers suggest I get a girlfriend and I won't have that problem any longer, and possibly they are right.  However, they don't know what it is I'm doing right now so actually getting in a relationship without really interacting with someone is difficult.  Though I feel with this experience things will be different as far as my approach to dating and relationships.  Interesting note though, I was watching a television series last night and they were talking about marriage.  Mostly about how the economy has effected marriages, stating that due to hard economic times people are staying together longer and divorces are decreasing.  Makes me wonder how many people actually do get married for economic reasons.  They also stated that marriages created health problems in those that are married.  Said single people tend to live longer than married.  Last, they spoke about how life time partners, those that remain together without marriage, tend to now a days stay together longer than married couples.  Just a few things that made me go hmmm.

So I think this weekend I am going to make it official.  I am going to officially delete my facebook page along with friends on it.  I may leave a disclaimer stating that if you feel it's a real need that I keep in touch with you email me your number, otherwise it will be deleted.  I haven't really thought this all the way through yet, and I tend to sometimes do things spur of the moment with no thought about it at all.   Only problem with deleting my facebook page, people will miss out on all these crazy thoughts I have from time to time.  But guess that wouldn't make me any better than those same people I spoke about earlier in this blog.  Oh well going to think about it, but  first thing first I need to go back to this downgraded phone.

Black Love Lost

I wasn't going to type this blog until I actually sat and thought about what I was going to speak about prior to typing, however while things are fresh on the mind I felt it's best to lay a rough version down before I forget my thoughts.

Could the end be near for black love all together?  I can't figure this out what's really wrong with our psyche and why we are against each other so hard.  Black men putting black women down with songs, videos, and blogs, and Black women doing the same towards black men.  Reality T.V shows and talk shows alike showing how much we don't get along.  Where are we headed as a race?

Today I read a very great blog by my roommate from college wife see link (http://174.120.29.156/~jocelyn/the-independent-strong-black-women-myth/) which in the blog there is a link for a youtube video that speaks on the subject of independent strong black women.  Video points out a lot of valid points that I agree with ( watch video), however if you decide to watch this video on the actual site you will see on the side other videos related to the post.  She points out one valid point of when we were younger that the guys that had potential to be someone were often times overlooked.  From one simple mistake of dating a loser all black men get the same label.  Same thing goes for black men dating black women, you had one bad experience and now all of them you see the same way.  I had to think about this a little, and I recall a time in High School (majority black) when it was very rare to see the person's with the brighter futures together.  Typically the good guy or girl dated the complete opposite of themselves.  Valedictorians dating drop outs or flunkies for reasons unknown by me.  This then I believe leads to the future of dating loser after loser after loser, hence both black men and black women becoming bitter about relationships all together.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AdRs5fEy-k]

And believe it or not most are about our love for one another.  However two videos really stood out to me:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLeD64KKW7M]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oz_qLj0VB1A]

This woman also raises some very valid points that we as black men who go off to college and get our degree do sometimes believe our pot of gold should be waiting for us at the end of the rainbow.  However, not every man is like this, nor is every educated woman like those she mentioned in the video.  Parts of this video almost made me curse and I wanted to post a comment but she has wisely disabled all comments.  Why is it that we as a people think that because we have a degree we are better qualified than others out there?  Why does a degree all of a sudden become a standard as far as qualities you seek in a person.  Maybe in our mind a degree makes that person more qualified to love us, I don't know.

So from Youtube I find Nicolebitchie has an article recently posted about "Is he worth Upgrading" (http://bitchielife.necolebitchie.com/2011/03/is-he-worth-upgrading/) .  Now granted Hill Harper may have given a bad example of a woman seeing potential in a man by using the case of Michelle and Barack Obama, but that point alone proves the videos above to be false in a sense.  But often times we both as black men and black women over look people with potential.  I wrote a blog about this stating how sometimes we want or feel we need perfection when we aren't even perfect ourselves.    The woman at the end of the blog on Nicolebitchies website states that upgrading a man is like "an unfulfilled job she'd pass on."  I sure hope she doesn't need any upgrading of her own.

Next why are so many status updates on social sites so derogatory to each other.  I won't mention any names to hide the guilty, but I read a status the other day that was some what disturbing.  Apparently a woman gave a man her number after leaving an event.  Two hours later that guy called her, and she didn't answer.  So apparently he texted her shortly after.  He then proceeds to call again and text again, all going un-answered by her.  So she states on her status that if a man is that anxious to get at her, it shows a weakness and she feels that weakness means that she will be able to run over him.  And she's not into men whom she can dominate.    Is this a sign of her not appreciating the fact that  a guy is interested to get to know her at all?  I really don't get it.

Few questions I'm pondering about but can't quite speak on right now:

Why do singles listen and take advice from other singles?  Obviously both of you are doing it wrong otherwise you both wouldn't be single.  That's like aspiring to be the CEO of a company and asking the janitor of 20 years how to get there.  I mean I have married friends and if I ultimately want to get married one day, maybe those are the people I should listen to.

Why do people with college degrees feel they are a better man or woman.  College didn't teach us how to love it taught us a skill that we can apply as far as careers.  Quite honestly majority of us only apply about 10-20% of what we learned in college on our actual jobs.  Just like college didn't teach us about money it didn't teach us about love either.  Stop smelling yourself.

There is a difference between being alone and lonely, which are you?  Some people are so desperate to be in something that they will settle for anything, which in most cases leads to more wasted time and heartache.  Save your energy and be patient.  If God sent an angel your way and said the next man or woman you meet will be your husband or wife, would you one be patient for that to happen and two would you curse God if whom he sent your way wasn't to your liking?

Why do so many black men and women bash the mother or father of their children?  Even if it didn't work out for you, think about the damage you are doing to that kids future.

Even if you weren't in an actual relationship with him or her and you know it won't work why is that person such a part of your present?  That can be viewed as baggage by anyone.  Maybe time to leave that past exactly there in your past right?   The longer you keep that person in your present the harder it's going to be to rid yourself of those memories you two once shared.

Why do so many people say things like I am a strong black man or a strong black woman?  How about you show us, otherwise it sounds like insecurities.

Why do so many women allow men to get away with so much, yet run to their friends or social sites to bash him?  Check him right then and there.

Okay ran out of thoughts for now, but will probably come back to edit this blog a few more times before I am finally done.

40 Days and 40 Nights

So this past Wednesday marked the beginning of Lent for some people out there who choose to participate in this sacrifice yearly.  Lent in the Christian tradition, is the period of the liturgical year from Ash Wednesday to Easter. Lent is a time of sacrifice for Jesus. The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer — through prayer, repentance, almsgivingand self-denial — for the annual commemoration during Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus, which recalls the events linked to the Passion of Christ and culminates in Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.  Most popular known to participate in Lent are Catholics however, I choose to do so yearly as well.  In the past years I have given up meat, alcohol/liquor, profanity, sex, non water beverages, fast food, and television.  However, this year I think I may have really outdone myself from years past.  In the past I would just merely sacrifice one thing, however this year I have chosen to do differently.

This year the simple choices were fried foods, because I love French Fries, and Hot Wings, and non water beverages.  These choices were easy, mainly because as much as I eat out due to my job I typically eat a lot of french fries on a day to day basis, and I know I don't drink nearly as much water as I should.  The last and final thing I decided to sacrifice was Women.  Yes, that's correct women all together, well mainly those outside of family and a few friends ( I will explain later).  However, this is one sacrifice I should have done so years ago that either I have been against or deep down feared I wouldn't be able to manage.

I like challenges or sacrifices and Lent is definitely a time of the year in which I feel you're going to be tempted the most often.  Initially I wanted to sacrifice spending time with women, whether it is hanging out or going out on dates, and focus mainly on just communication with the women I have met in the past and or recent present.  However, all last week I was constantly reminded by both my mother and a few select friends of how I tend to give women false hope that there could be more than what I actually deem there could be.   What I considered to be hanging out and getting to know someone, can easily be seen by the women in which I have been dealing with feel is quality time spent.  The more time you spend with a person the more and more likely they are to develop feelings for you.  In the past I have written about how I don't understand how a person can think they feel something really deep for you without barely knowing you.  How can someone ultimately feel you are 100% of what they are seeking in a partner, or even rare occasions feel they love you within a matter of days.  Now I am not sure if I am more in touch with reality than those persons, but I have found in these last few days that the more you see of a person in a short period of time the more likely he or she is to feel that kind of way about you.

I admit I am guilty of this.  Typically what happens I meet a woman we talk over the phone, instant messenger, or text messaging for a minute either prior to meeting or after actually meeting.   So I feel like I am a pretty nice guy to meet in person, I tend to keep it real and I respect and value each and every woman I have met opinion on various topics.  I tend to treat women more as an equal and I feel that probably stands out in most of the women I have met mind.  After the initial meeting, if I feel she is cool to talk to and hang around I have found myself doing the abnormal thing of saying I am looking for a friend first type of relationship that slowly develops into something serious.  Yet, I am hanging out with this women in particular 3 to 4 times a week.  Whether it's going out to eat or just dropping by to watch a movie the amount of time I put in initially can easily be seen as a genuine interests in her as something more than a friend; Only took me 4 years to realize this.  What ultimately ends up happening is slowly but surely the amount of time I spend with that woman starts to trickle down immensely from 3 to 4 times a week to maybe once a month twice if lucky.

Now I use to blame them, the women, for me slowly starting to fade away because of how quickly I felt some developed feelings for me, which were feelings I didn't share for them at that time.  So I figured by placing some distance there quite possibly she and I could get on the same page.  But, what I have failed to realize is that in doing what I've done actually causes more conflict than resolution.  Doing things in the moment such as kissing because it seemed appropriate at the time, or making out because kissing lead to that and in some instances sex because she felt comfortable enough to go there doesn't help.  You see if someone likes you and you pull back immediately that either shows fear towards that person or shows that you're not interested. Neither of which could be true in the case with me, or at least I don't think it is.   Part of me just hates feeling like I am wasting someone's time especially when it comes to relationships.   So if I don't feel I am at the same place you are then why hold you back from what it is you're seeking.  Typically though when I pull back it's way to late to do so.  I go from hanging out to not hanging out at all, or from kissing passionately the week before to nothing.  So what happens when I do this the women eventually loses complete interest in me and moves on, when in reality all I wanted was for her to get past the initial lust or attraction she felt for me, and be willing to put in time to see the real me.

A good saying I've used quite frequently to women I've met or dated is I may not be who you think I am.  Most people say it takes months even years sometime for the real "you" to show up, that before hand you are just meeting the representative.   So when I meet someone and they tell me certain things after only a week or two of knowing them, makes me wonder what is it they think they see or feel.  Especially when I am not on the same page.  You've met my representative is what I tell them though I am a pretty open and honest guy, due to past relationships, I fear that what it is they think they see is not really there.  Could that be a fear of commitment there on my behalf?  Or is that me just being cautious as to entering a situation that could possibly end up like the relationships of the past I've been in, which is failed?   I've also told women I could potentially be their worst nightmare when it comes to relationships.  It's not the guy that wants you physically that stings I don't believe, but I feel it's more the person whom you've open up emotionally to, that is the worst.  The guy you have shared secrets with because he made you feel comfortable ends up leaving a bigger scar than that guy who merely lied to get you in bed.

A few weeks ago a woman asked me if I felt I was a good guy.  My answer to her was it was circumstantial and that in some instances I felt I was and in other situations not so much so.   Perhaps I know better and am just really impatient when it comes to love and relationships.  I have rushed things, maybe not with my words but through my actions and that what makes me believe I have been a bad guy.   I end up asking how can you feel that way about me and you barely know me, when I should be asking myself why did I do that and I barely know her.  Maybe I have a false sense of reality that men and women can really be just friends.  But the more and more I live the more and more I am seeing the real reality that this isn't true any longer.  Perhaps, all the friends I currently have are it for the time being until the friend of all friends comes around.  So that leads me up to my last and final sacrifice of giving up women for Lent.

The women I have decided not to communicate with for Lent are women I have had a sincere interests in, women I feel have had an interests in me, women I have had a past with, whether we dated or hooked up, and women whom I've recently met and would like to get to know.  Lent came at a fine time because I recently met someone and I really don't wish to screw it up by doing the same things I've done in the past.  Which are constantly talking to her trying to develop a friendship, which leads to hanging out multiple times per week only for me to eventually disappear for a few weeks never to be heard from again.  Essentially I don't wish to be a guy that gets a woman's hopes all up that something special could potentially be there only to eventually crush those hopes in the end.  I will take the next 40 days and 40 nights to focus on myself to get to know me better and what it is I am really hoping to gain in friendship and relationships from women.  Understand why I have this cycle of things that I do; which are get the woman intrigued and interested, take her out on a date, spend time with her, open her mind, create this fantasy of  "us", disappear, eventually reach back out to her, hang out again, re-create the fantasy of "us", only to disappear again.  I need to find a way to listen to myself verses being swayed by the woman I am interested in. I will need to learn that my male friends and opinions of others I know should not affect how i go about things when it comes to dating.  That in the end what I feel is best for me is best for me.  If I know deep down that it will take me a while to really develop feelings for someone and that by taking things slow for me is the best way for me to grow closer to someone, that just because she wants to see me that day doesn't mean I have to go.  Or if I really believe that there is a real difference between dating and hanging out or being in a relationship I should apply it and let her know which is which we are doing.  One thing that really stands out from a past relationship that was spoken to me by an ex was," What's the point of dating someone you don't plan to marry?"  Deep down I really want to date my friend, but when you have few you can call a friend who do you date?  If I know that by kissing a woman, or making out, and in some cases having sex to soon really changes my feelings towards someone that I should not place myself in those positions to do so.  Best bet for myself is to resist all temptation until I feel it's something special or different about her and not hear what she's saying about how she feels there is something different about me.  A lot of the time it feels like Deja-Vu when I hear certain things, and immediately I begin to think not again.  You've told your parents and friends about me, I have a name to them, yet my folks have no idea who you are.  Maybe deep down I believe that it is easier to deal with one person at a time, verses trying to deal with multiple women at the same time.  It becomes confusing at times to me to attempt to get to know multiple women at the same time.  Yet if I try to focus my attention on one woman at a time and I tell each woman I've met this, they feel they are doing me a favor by eliminating themselves from the equation all together.  However, if they decide to do so that is their decision and I can't worry myself about that.  Last thought I've had, is if a woman is in your past why not just leave her there?  Why must I remain friends or attempt to be friends with every woman I've had a past with.  Quite possibly this could also holding me back from something.

As you can see I have a lot to think about these next few weeks, and it will mostly be thoughts to myself.  In the last few days I have received texts and phone calls as well as emails that I haven't responded to nor answered.  I'm sure a few of them are wondering what's up, but I have to finally do what is best for me in this situation.  The last few days have been tough though I will admit, especially when I had just recently met someone, however it's only fair that if I'm going to do this I have to do it completely.  So with that being said, I hope I succeed and gain something from this experience of Lent, something to use in my day to day and not just in this period.

Conflict of Interest

I have a question and it's a question that has been brought to my attention a few times not only this past week, but also a few times in the past.  Now over the past two weeks I have been to a few forums on relationships, talked with a few cool ladies on their current dating situations.  What I have noticed is that although men place a high value on sex, most women when it comes to relationships place just as high a value on affection.  In a group discussion the close of Valentine's Day week, these two items both stood at the top ( sex for men ; affection for women).  So what plagues the woman when she feels she can't be satisfied sexually by the man that shows her all the affection in the world?  My question is:  Is this accurate to say that sex isn't as important an issue for women as it is men?  So the conflict is a woman is seeking a good man, think she has found one, yet there is no satisfaction sexually.

Imagine a woman has found everything she is seeking in a guy.  This woman has made the decision to withhold from all sexual acts until she is in a committed relationship, so she's all in on taking dating seriously before moving towards anything physical.    The two of them date for a period of time, really opening up their hearts and minds to the possibility of being together. The level of interest between her and the guy grows steady and the chemistry physically begins to pick up.  They are no longer just kissing anymore, yet they are essentially showcasing what they'd like to do with one another the day they decide to have sex or my preference the day it just happens.   Now, at this forum I found out that most women like to talk about sex on or around Valentine's Day.  Whether she has a man or not, sex is often brought up during this time of the year.  So the woman in reference decides she's going to talk to her new love interest about the things he's into and tell him the things she's into sexually.  From this conversation she learns that outside of everything else there really is no chemistry between the two of them in the bedroom.  Though they haven't actually had sex, she feels deep down inside that this man will not be able to please her.

Now I have friends that have found out by this exact method whether there is chemistry or not, while others knew upon the initial meeting that he would fail.  Others, had to find out the hard way while in the act itself that this wouldn't work and were disappointed at themselves for choosing such a lousy partner.  These situations have ultimately made this women think, that even if they were to commit to these men, could they trust themselves to be faithful.  Not the more common thought of can I trust him to be faithful. So what does the woman do in this situation?  She has sincere feelings for the fella, yet she fears that if he is not able to perform sexually the way she'd like it will be a great disappointment.   Even worse if she were to commit to him, she fears she may be the cheater and the villain of that relationship.

A few years ago an older woman told me she was in love, that this brother was everything she desired to have in a man.  He treated her with respect, provided for her, was supportive, took care of her kids from another relationship, and got along great with her and her family.  Only problem was he wasn't "BLESSED".  She was accustomed to having rulers (12") or better, yet this brother was more so average (6") than anything.  She mentioned to me that, he could please her orally yet through intercourse after they were finished she felt as if nothing had happened at all.  She was accustomed to knowing what had just occurred not just afterwards but even a day or two as well.  However, this guy was not giving her that satisfaction.  So she found herself calling someone else over once her man would leave to give her what she was seeking.  She was really venting that day she was speaking to me, and I really didn't know what to tell her.  A few things she pointed out that still makes me ponder today and even quite possibly some of my female friends are pondering with as well.

What's more important having everything you think you'd want in a man but lousy sex, or having the best sex of your life with a lousy man?  The woman mentioned above said "that majority of the time the men with the best sex are often times the worst to deal with, because not only does he know he's good at what he does (sex) but other women know as well."  Many of us have also heard the phrase time and time again from woman, " Sex is not the most important aspect of a relationship." Some believe that you can train someone to be able to please you, though most of us just want that person to know how without being instructed.  Some things you can't change, as for the older woman above unless he has surgery his manhood isn't going magically grow.  So is it love when you have a man that's satisfied every time with you, yet you're left there wanting more each time?   So again I ask what is it you do when the man you want to be with you don't wish to have sex with.

Preferences or Something Else

I know that when it comes to us finding our special someone that we all have our likes and dislikes.  Some have an age preference others a height and weight preference.  However, could our preferences be hindering us from finding the love of our lives or are our preferences set to impress those around us.  I'm guilty of it and quite possibly you are too.

A lot of the post I see on social sites from friends is wondering why they don't have someone special to come home to at night.  They mostly say they are sick of the games and just want to settle down with someone seriously and start a future together.  Following their post you read plenty of follow up comments stating mostly why they can't understand why that person is single.  Telling that individual how good a person they are, and how handsome or beautiful they are. And, she eventually follows up with a comment of their own, stating that they knows how great a catch they are and can't understand why things are the way they are.  Well could he or she quite be the problem to their own frustrations?

Ever met someone and you were so into them and everything about them.  The time you spent together was always well spent, and you were guaranteed to have a good time regardless of the situation.  While the two of you were spending time growing to know one another, eventually you had plans of slowly introducing them to family and friends along with others you're cool with.  You begin to invite that person to your normal hang out spots even Church in some instances.  However, this is where that relationship takes a turn for the end or the long haul.  Ever have that feeling that your friends won't feel the person you're talking to, that your parents or relatives would feel that you could do better.  No matter the thoughts or feelings you had for that person, those closest to you opinion matter a lot, a lot more than you care to admit.  Friends and family tell you that they always saw you dating this particular type of person and that ultimately makes you look at that someone you were talking to differently.

Those words sometimes throw us for a loop from family and friends, but past dating experiences can sway us too.  For some reason I think some of us like hearing the compliments from others about how cute a couple you and some one else make.  It's like an ego boost of some sort.   I'm not sure why so many of us think that by choosing the right partner our photo will end up on the cover of some magazine.   Some people ultimately date certain people as a way to build their own status or credentials.  Keeping up with the Jone's of some sort just through dating.   Your best friend is dating a lawyer so you have to do one better and date a doctor.  Or your partner is dating a model so you have to go find a model/actress to one up him.  Problem is you don't love those people, they just make you look better than what you really are.  Insecure yeah you probably are.  So when that dating or relationship ends with those individuals and you're back out there in the singles sea looking again, your past affects your future.  You feel you can't downgrade from a lawyer or doctor to a sanitation worker.  Your woman has to be more attractive than that model/actress  you were just dating.  So what ends up happening is you're confused and single for a long time, a very long time.

At some point we are going to wake up and realize that if we are happy that's all that should matter.  The person that makes us happy may not be who we nor our friends or family could have imagined ourselves with.  But, in the end that person makes us feel better than anyone before.  He or she may not be the height, age, size, or even race we thought that someone would be but we are happy.  We won't care what our friends and or associates think because we know at the end of the day, those individuals aren't dating the person, we are.  So though it may be a struggle for us we are going to have to open up our mind and hearts to the possibility.

So why are you single Mr. or Ms.?  The real answer could be because you're twisted in the head on what you think love looks like.  The reason you don't have someone to come home to at night is because the person you were once into didn't measure up to the standards set for you by others.  The reason you don't have someone you can confide all your secrets to is because everyone you've met since that last person appears to be a downgrade from those before him or her.  So when you get a moment sit and think about this, that who you love and like only really matters to you and not the world.

Why Bad Guys Finish First

This may be a touching blog here to some and for others an eye opener.  In my adult life I have come to realize that being a good guy is not all it's hyped up to be, well at least not when it comes to dating it doesn't.  Now I already know some of you are reading this and thinking yeah right but hear me out and think about your life and love situations.  

Problem I see with most relationships is that people stop being themselves and focus all of their attention on the relationship itself.  What she use to do, go out every Thursday night with her friends is eliminated for movie night on the couch with her man.  Her weekly hair and nail appointments are now pushed out.  He no longer goes to happy hours on Friday after work   No more hanging with the fellas on the weekend.  Ultimately what I see happen is the things that may have been initial attractions towards one another are eliminated for the sake of the relationship, which then becomes boring and stale.  

It is often said that all guys want is sex, and this statement is partially true, yet a lot of women want sex also they just want to feel secured and involved before they do so.  "Ultimately I'd like to be in a relationship with my best friend and eventually get married," is a statement I've heard from countless amounts of women.  Yet most women end up in relationships with men they aren't really friends with.  Typically the relationship came before the friendship at all.  Here's the reason I state that bad guys finish first, two different scenarios will be presented that of the good and that of the bad.  

Good guy meets woman and states his intentions out of the gate, all he's seeking and what he has to offer.  He states in an opening dialog between the two that he's looking to settle down eventually, start a family of his own.  Lets this woman know that he's tired of playing the field and that's he has had all the fun in the world that he really wishes to.  He understands his actions of the past and that he's a different man today than he was yesterday.  Clearly he points out that he was a bad guy to some but he's focusing on being better. He like her points out that he's love to end up with his best friend because in the relationships he's seen last those couples were always friends first.   

Now majority of the women I know out there want to be pursued by a man, but when a male comes forward like this something else is triggered in the woman. She becomes the hunter in a lot of cases.  Especially if the man meets majority of the standards she's set for a man to have.  It's like something is triggered in her to say I have to make this man mine asap before any other woman gets to him.  She starts doing things out of the norm for her.  Things such as always calling or texting him, when she knows she really wants him to reach out to her.  She starts clearing her schedule for him whenever he's available, regardless if she had something planned with the girls or another proposed date from another fella.  In some cases she may even find herself making out in the sheets with that man well before her time limit she set for herself to be intimate with a man.  She feels good, like she caught the best thing in the world.  But one things she forgot, is that like him she ultimately wants to be with her best friend like he does.  Yet, when they both think about it, that area of the relationship hasn't been focused on at all.  It's been totally ignored by both parties, leaving them thinking where is this headed once the honey moon phase is over.  There you are left in a relationship working on the friendship and in some, not all, cases you realize you really have nothing in common.  Lust has taken a form of love and both parties end up splitting continuing their search for the "real thing."  Which then leaves her with this feeling of guilt or regret and that she's also wasted her time.

Bad guy meets a woman and states his intentions right out the gate.  He states that he's just looking to have a good time, not really seeking anything serious and that he finds her very sexy.  He states how he can see himself having a good time with you, and that when it's his time to settle down he will know when, but until then there are two many beautiful women out there to just focus his attention on one.  He's very open and honest about what he's done and is currently doing and has no problem sharing that with you.  He's admitted to lying to get it in, as well as telling the blunt truth.  Truths such as he stated right out of the gate with a woman that all he wanted from her was sex and that he didn't wish to lead her own into thinking things would become romantic between them.  He states that in the end he'd have no problem settling down and eventually he wants to get married, but until then it is what it is.  

Women hear this guy and immediately go running.  Thinking all he's looking for is a good time, which probably means sex, and he's not looking for anything serious at the moment so I'm not wasting my time.  In doing this she is still the prey and not the hunter.  He still meets majority of the things she's looking for in a man, yet his intentions are not in line with her own.  She continues living her life the way she would normally, yet this guy still reaches out to her from time to time and they converse, yet she still doesn't see a change in his actions.  Ultimately she tells him we can be friends but nothing else and her reasons why.  So that's what they become, she tells him about her dates and the guys she's been meeting, he tells her about how he feels about her process in approaching relationships.  Honestly of course.  Eventually they begin sharing everything, he tells her of the last woman he had over, she calls him names such as whore or slut.  But the dialog between them continues.  Months past and they still haven't hooked up, she's been in and out of relationships on date after date, while he's just still doing the most.  Yet the more and more they talk the better their friendship becomes. Even if they become intimate once or twice she feels no guilt because his intentions were stated and she feels she knows him well enough that if she went there with him that is all it was an experience.    

So here is why I say bad guys finish first.  Though she knows everything about that guy and saw nothing positive in him to begin with, she starts to recognize that deep down he really is a good person.  She appreciates his honesty, and almost looks at him like a best friend.  Though they've never dated seriously, she slowly starts to notice a change in him as he matures.  He knows all of her history and she knows his, the good the bad and the ugly.  She feels like there is nothing he can't share with her and she can't share with him. They really are friends good friends at that.  

Deep down I really believe there is a good guy in every bad guy, just takes the right woman to bring it out of him.  Most of the time a woman doesn't want to be with that guy she considers to be her best friend out of fear that their relationship if it didn't work out would be the end all of their relationship.  So is that statement really true that men and women really want to marry their best friend?  I still think it is, though it's a boundary the two of them will have to eventually cross if willing.  

In my adult dating experience, every woman I've met while I was out there doing the most has become a great friend of mine.  Every woman I've tried to date seriously I don't even wish to talk to, and I feel they may feel the same way about me.  Funny how that has worked out in my life and your's may be different.  A lot of my female friends don't really like talking about or to their ex's.  But, for some reason that guy that was just out to "hit it," still gets an answer and a laugh or two when he calls or see's her.  He's the guy she reaches out to when she has a question about men and why they act the way they do.  She's the teacher when he has a question about how to impress a woman.  

Granted women and men date differently, most women when they see something they like focus all of their attention on that guy.  Most men it may take them longer to get to that point, which can cause problems.  But in the end, how much you know or don't know about a person can potentially lead to a great or not so great outcome.   

Titles: Not Good For Everyone

Earlier this week I made some what a controversial post on a social site that stated: "I confess: the term relationship means nothing to me when used as an excuse to do or not do things you would like to do naturally." This statement came from a discussion with a friend that made me reflect back to past quotes I've heard time and time again amongst friends female or male.  After various discussions I don't plan to use that term in my life ever again, I don't wish to have the title of boyfriend.  From thinking about it, and I'll admit maybe to much, hearing those various quotes has lead me to believe that there are only but a few types of relationships out there, friends, fiancée, husband or wife, and divorced.  Everything else is merely a statement in my head that's makes one justifiable to do certain things.  

"I'm not going to have sex until I am in a relationship." "I can't talk to other women because I am in a relationship." "I won't allow someone to come over to my place unless I am in a relationship.""I won't cook for a man unless I'm in a relationship."   

Those quotes listed above are quotes I hear time and time again from friends and family members alike.  Hell I think I've even said a few of those a time or two, but when I really think about it does it really make sense.  Well my answer is no.  You see the term boyfriend or girlfriend is not a concrete or reliable status to have, though it may make one feel better about their actions and even sound better to others around that you did certain things while you were in a girlfriend or boyfriend.  The problem I have is there is really no right and wrong things to do when it comes to dating and or relationships.  More than often we do certain things to make those around us approve of our decisions, and not of our own.  I have done this myself, holding out on certain activities with the opposite sex because someone (mostly women) didn't approve of my actions.  Ronnie, you shouldn't be sleeping around with all those women, you're to old for that, is what I'd hear.  So often times than not I would stop doing so, yet the urge to continue doing what made me happy was still present.  

Now a few friends and I have gone back and forth about certain things such as sex and being in a relationship before you do so.  But why not take it a step further.  Relationships can come and go and to some of us sex is an integral part to a relationship, but instead of saying you wish to wait until you're in a relationship before you hook up with someone, how about waiting 1-2 years before you have sex with someone regardless of if you're in a relationship or not.  This allows I feel your relationship to really take some time to blossom, instead of having that urge to do so upon entering into something.  Maybe sex itself is our problem alone, and something we should ask God for help on.  Most of us are pretty good at recognizing what we want and don't want, but we can't control our urge to sleep with that person well before we know which direction that relationship is headed.  Now for some women I know the amount of guys they've been with is a concern for them, and for some others it doesn't matter.  However, if it makes you feel better to say you did certain things while you were in a committed relationship it is all good, but if it makes you feel good in general to do certain things don't allow a title to vouch for you doing so.